Keller –
I never knew a love, like the one I have for you, existed. I
love your mom with all my heart, and we were both very excited to have you join
our lives. She is more likely to express that outwardly than I, mine was more
like a duck on a pond. I strive to remain stoic and calm in any situation, but
I think it’s a little deeper than that. Your mom shared a physical connection
with you from the time you were conceived. I could only watch you grow inside
of her, and wait with anxiety of how life would change. Selfishly, I thought of
things I’d give up, things she and I would not do together for the next few
years.
I was
in the room the night you were born. I had my plan to stay by your mom’s side,
and wait for you to be presented to us.
Your mom had some nice pain relief going on, but when the nurse came in
and said it was go time, everything changed, it wasn’t chaotic, it wasn’t
rehearsed. It was an experience I can only hope you have one day. It was one of
the best moments of my life, and the first of yours, the first of ours, as a
family. I watched you all the way into my arms, knowing the emotions I was
supposed to feel, but being overcome with such an intense feeling of love and
happiness that any words on this page are incapable of capturing.
I had a
plan to write to you every day of your life. You’re almost two years old now
and this is my first time. I’ve watched you transform into a tiny person, with
your own personality, mannerisms and expressions that bring so much joy to my
heart, that I’m terrified of when you lose that. You’ve been the best gift to
your mother and I, and we love watching you grow. Paradoxically, we know that
you’ll encounter things that are going to make you sad, question humanity, and
take away the innocence and wonderment with which you view the world now.
Life is
not fair. There are thousands of moms and dads that have lost their children,
there are thousands of children that have lost their moms and dads. If that
were to ever happen to us, as painful of an experience as that can possibly be,
keep moving forward. I love you more than anything in this world, or after it.
You are the best of me, take that with you and do something extraordinary. Be
great. Be humble. Be you. But never let sadness overtake your will, you’re
allowed your moments, let them be fleeting. You’re the best thing I know in
this world, and responsible for sharing that everyone you come into contact
with.
The
image that remains with me is your smile, you can’t tell me you love me yet, so
your smile says it to me. Know that every time you do, my heart grows a little
more. I intend to write you more often, and leave you with lessons I’ve learned
over the years in hopes that you don’t have to learn them the same way I did. I
set out to write you these great letters, and end up crying as I think that
you’ll be reading them after I’m gone. That’s okay, you were my gift to the
world, you were what I was created
for. My greatest pleasure in life was being your dad, and making you smile.
I
love you, buddy.
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